The Trouble With Teenagers
By: Tad Falk
Being a parent to a teenager can often feel like an impossible task. The world revolves around them and you will just never understand what it is like to be a teenager in these modern times. Families I work with often experience a difficult time communicating well, managing emotions effectively, and knowing how to support each other. As a parent it can be easy to get caught up in the emotions and drama that comes with teens and difficult to take a step back and reflect on what to do next. It is important to be able to take a step back and consider what your role is as a parent, how that role shifts from parenting a child to parenting a teen, and what you would like your relationship to be moving forward. Below I offer insights and reminders on two common statements I hear from parents.
“Their friends are more important”
It may feel like all teenagers care about are their friends, their phone, and almost anything else that does not have to do with family. The transition from childhood to adolescence involves a shift from being dependent on family to seeking independence and self discovery. During this time, teens often become more aware of how they compare to peers, and are tasked with finding where they belong. While their attention and priorities may shift toward friendships, this does not mean their family becomes less important. Teenagers still need their parents and family for support, help with decision making, and feeling secure with themselves as they navigate middle school and high school.
It is important to teach aspects of healthy friendships and relationships while promoting life balance. Rather than feeling like friends are more important, encourage them to discover what they like and appreciate in others and help them balance socializing with family, work, and school.
“They just won’t listen and are so defiant”
Teenagers often have a great sense of justice and fairness. This can come across as defensive of their friend group, being sensitive to double standards, and increase in conflict with those that hold power over them. Parenting a teenager is much different from parenting a child and families often experience difficulty making the shift. Explanations such as, “because I am the parent and I said so” may not be as effective as it was before. Teenagers often require evidence to back up decisions their parents are making, otherwise it can feel like their freedoms and rights are being stripped away without cause. It is also good practice for parents to take the time to think about what goes into a decision and why they are leaning one way versus another.
It can be helpful to invite the teen in on the decision making process and the different factors that are being considered. This can often help open lines of communication, teach decision making skills, enhance mutual respect, and trust so future conversations or decision making can go more smoothly.
