TMI?
How'd the first week back at the hospital go you ask? GREAT! Hello life balance! Who knew it really did exist?! Camden was either with Adam, my parents, sister or a dear friend, which was a huge piece of mind. I came home refreshed and ready to rock and roll! I was eager to cuddle with my little dude and catch up with the rest of the family. I had the meals planned, the house was fairly put together, I was exercising daily and socializing with friends. I felt elated!
Two nights ago I felt myself crashing. I was over at my sisters house- I was being snarky and was irritable. I felt tired and anxious.
My routine that felt like a delightful balance suddenly did not feel so balanced.
I typically wake up at midnight worried Camden is trapped in the bed and I frantically look for him. Adam then reminds me that he is in his crib (this could be a blog post in itself). Little dude then wakes up at 2am, Adam's alarm for work goes off at 4:30am and mine goes off at 5:30am.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt heavy. I started the drill with pumping, only to spill 4oz onto the carpet!!!! Gross! Frustrating! And so much for hoping it was going to be a fresh start to the day! Don't worry friends- my mom is bringing her carpet cleaner this weekend so you will still be able to sit on the carpet :)
I pulled myself together, was ready to work, only to realize an hour into my work day that I forgot the parts to my pump!!! As my fellow pumping mamas know- not pumping is not an option! Adam kindly brought the pieces to me, however forgot a very important part.... Thank you hospital pumping room for having the missing piece!
As I write this I am on my ninth consecutive work day. Here's the deal though, it was never about any of the work. It was about feeling tired. Feeling as though I could not continue to juggle all that I was, in addition to another role. Something has to give. As fun (and fast) as the mountain bike ride was several night ago- Maybe it would have been wise to preserve some energy and go on more of leisure ride to clear my mind than pushing myself as hard as I physically could.
It's easy to make a million excuses for why things aren't going as well, why I felt stressed, how I can't juggle it all OR I can be fluid. Adapt as needed. Ebb and flow. I'm training for the new position at the hospital now so I have several extra shifts. I need to adapt accordingly. Maybe I can't vacuum or exercise everyday. As soon as I get into my set schedule I will need to adapt again. That's the beauty of life. We constantly have to allow ourself go evolve.
Personally, I don't want to get stagnant. I want to continue to learn and grow. I want to respond with grace and allow myself time to reflect and respond accordingly. If something isn't working, how do I change? If something is working, how do I embrace it? I really do believe balance exists! What makes balance hard to accomplish is allowing ourselves to be flexible and accept that balance is fluid. Balance is going to look different everyday. How can you have grace with yourself in order to lean into the changes that occur daily?! Balance will greet you at the other side :)