Deliberate Check-in
What in the world is a deliberate check in system with your significant other?!
Here’s the deal about relationships- they aren’t as intuitive as we think they are! We see romance in movies and are often conditioned to believe that if it’s hard, somebody is unhappy, a change is occurring- alert! Something must be wrong..... all of that is false!
Before I go much further I will give the disclaimer that I have the least romantic view of relationships. I truly believe there is not a whole lot of organicness in them. The real thing that makes them work is transparency.
So how does that equate to a deliberate check in? It’s inevitable that we go through changes and because of that we need to have a system that adapts to the changes versus one that works for the old system.
They best strategy for that is prevention! Couples wait an average of six years with an ongoing problem before going to see a therapist. That’s a ton of built of hurt and resentment. If we flipped that around and committed to prevention, here are some tools that serve as a deliberate couples check in.
Choose a time frame in which you all are going to check in with each other. Regardless of if you are in the best groove you ever been in, stay firm on checking in. A good starting point is every three months. There will be lots of mini check in inbetween.
Have a strategy of what you’re going to check in about every time. What are the things that matter to you all? Some sample ideas to discuss are relationship roles, agreements, individual needs, family values, goals, and vision.
Write down your questions and what the new arrangement is for the next chunk of time. This is a living document!!! The whole purpose of this type of set up is to stay ahead of problems. Please make sure you are being an advocate for yourself. If the time frame you select is too far away, change it, if you need to make modifications to your plan, do it! That is what the mini check ins are for!
These check ins will serve as a road map! It allows you to stay connected to your partner and not only aware of what their needs are but what your needs are. We are quickly become stale and live going through the motions. Not to say it’s not fueled by love and fulfilling in a lot of ways, but it could be more deliberate! You can achieve your goals, while being a parent, you can ignite the flame with your partner despite crazy hectic schedules!
Do it all over in three months or whatever time frame you two agree on. The most important thing is the deliberate check in is happening at least twice a year.
All couples benefit from having a means of checking in. As you do the check in consistently it will become more streamlined and efficient! You also will get more clarity on the points you want to be checking in on. What I can promise you, it will be worth the time you put into it. When we are clear on what we need and we communicate that to our partner- magic happens! Call it organicness if you want! Most importantly, give yourselves credit for creating exactly what you need.